Ask Maleva: A Tango Advice Column

Sneezing While Dancing

Dear Maleva,

I was dancing at a milonga recently, when, to my unspeakable dismay, the man I was dancing with let out a big wet sneeze in the direction of the open side of the embrace, causing a shower of snotty droplets to land on my hand. As if for good measure, he then extricated his hand, coughed heartily into it, and seized my hand again to resume dancing. All without warning or apology. Maleva, I was horrified. I know I should have said something, but I was so appalled that words failed me, and besides, all I could think of was how fast I could hurry to the restroom to scrub my arms to the elbows, twice, with excess soap. And the most worrisome thing is, if I had not witnessed the sneeze, I would not have known how urgently to go wash my hands. The man contaminated all his subsequent dance partners, and most likely the ones he danced with previously, as well. This insidious incident certainly tops all the body odour and bad breath I've ever smelled!

Maleva, don't you agree that sick people don't belong at a milonga, where they stick their contagious face into other people's faces, for hours on end? It's a Public Health problem!
The first winter I danced tango, a few years ago, I got sick 3 times, twice with a 24-hour stomach bug (of cruise ship notoriety), and once with a throat infection. All well-documented instances of milonga contaminations.

I have since adopted certain common-sense measures that have so far prevented other infections. I take every opportunity to wash my hands, with liquid dishwashing detergent if available. I carry in my purse one of those instant no-water hand sanitizers (Purell) that they use in hospitals, it's an alcohol-based gel which you rub on your hands and which evaporates in a few seconds. It's actually pretty discrete, and especially great for tango on location. When I have to eat a snack or pop a mint and I can't wash my hands first, I touch the food only with the hand that's usually on the partner's shoulder. (People's shirts are cleaner than their hands). I've been healthy ever since, so far so good, but what about that guy?

I have no intention of ever dancing with this revolting personnage again, but given that he is of the shoulder-tapping school (rather than the more easily deflectable head-nodding persuasion), I am likely to have to come up with some excuse or explanation. I have half a mind to tell him the truth. If he's upset, Good! He'll never ask me again. Maleva, what do you think?

-Indignant Milonguera


Dear Indignant Milonguera,

First: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Second: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Third: I can't believe he didn't even apologize!

Your letter is especially appropriate as we are approaching the cooler weather and cold season. Sneezes and coughs are bound to happen once in a while whether you are sick or not. But you usually can feel them coming a few seconds before and should have time to extricate yourself from the embrace and direct them into an appropriate place - such as, preferably, a handkerchief or napkin, or -- if no other option -- into the crook of your elbow. Plus sneezes and coughs can always be stifled so that no phlegm is sprayed. An apology should always be offered no matter how harmless and spray-free the sneeze is.

I know tango is addictive and it can be hard to miss a couple of milongas, but if you really ARE sick it is extremely inconsiderate and selfish to go out and pass your germs around. You will be contagious even if you are not sneezing and even if you have taken cold medicine so no one can tell you are sick. Please do everyone a favor and stay home and rest until you are feeling better.

As for the victims of the sneezers and coughers, Indignant Milonguera's suggestion of carrying Purell hand sanitizer is a very good one. This alcohol-based gel makes it easy to disinfect yourself after dancing with an unsavory partner or before eating.

And Indignant Milonguera, it can be pretty hard to be frank with people about hygiene issues and even if it's too uncomfortable to tell this person why, you certainly should never dance with him again!

PS -I bet he doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom either!