Ask Maleva: A Tango Advice Column

March 2004

Dear Maleva,
I have gotten in trouble repeatedly for enjoying Tango when my girlfriend has looked on - perhaps having her get up and leave the Milonga all together. I too have felt turmoil to see my girlfriend zone-out with another man - particularly if he looks Brazilian or Italian or whatever...I know dark Mediterranean men are her weakness. I see other people experiencing heartbreaks from tango as well. So I am now turned off of Tango for the moment for these reasons....and I suspect that many 'happy couples' decide that their Tango days are over for the sake of not wanting to upset their mate. I was wondering how you handle this issue with your significant other.

Dear Reader,

Relationships are always tricky, and doubly so when tango is involved. If you have a Significant Other (SO) and you dance tango, realize that it is probably going to be the source of arguments at some point and think about how to resolve them. Possible sore spots: You spend too much time dancing (if your SO doesn't dance), you spend too much time dancing (even if your SO does dance!), you dance too much with so-and-so, you danced too close with so-and-so or looked like you enjoyed it too much, you don't dance as well together as a couple as you do with other people, you don't dance enough at milongas with your SO....the list goes on.

You don't need to give tango up to have a happy relationship. Every relationship is different but I think there are a couple of general rules to abide by.

As a man, you need to be especially sensitive at the milongas and make sure that your girlfriend 'has as much fun' as you do, e.g. gets as many dances. If you dance with other women all night, and your girlfriend sits all night, she is going to be good and mad by the time you go home. I know I would be. If she's sitting a lot, look after her and ask her to dance yourself. Ladies can't ask for dances as easily as men can, plus there are usually more good followers in a room than good leaders - so even if your girlfriend IS asked, she may just be getting knocked around. I think that if you go to milongas together it is nice if you take care of your lady in this way. Maybe you don't want to take responsibility for someone else's good time, in which case perhaps you should not go to milongas together. Some couples don't, but I don't think that's an ideal situation either.

As for how to handle it when your partner is dancing a seemingly seductive dance with someone whom you know they would find attractive - Simply, don't watch. They may look like they are in love, but they really are just dancing. Everyone should be allowed to go into the trance with another man or woman for a tanda. Try not to let it bother you if you see your SO having this intimate feeling with other people. Connecting in this way to other human beings is the reason you both dance in the first place. Now, if it carries on for more than 4 or 5 songs - well, that's another story...

Do not ever be overly critical of your SO's dancing ability, and if you can't help but criticize then do not under any circumstances practice together or take privates together. 95% of the couple I teach privates to blame each other, criticize each other, or get snippy in general, so much so that I've considered having everyone sign an agreement beforehand saying that they are not allowed to talk to each other during the lesson! They would also not be allowed to point out to me what the other person is doing wrong - I can always see for myself who is doing what wrong. I know couples who say that practicing together is the only thing that causes fights in their otherwise long and blissful marriages. In tango relationships the best policy is if you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all. People are extremely sensitive about their dancing ability and criticizing your partner will destroy his or her desire and confidence to dance with you. In fact, look for things you can compliment him or her on!

Sometimes even harder than avoiding fights while practicing with your SO is watching him or her practice with another partner. It's hard to see your boyfriend or girlfriend spend a lot of time with and become close to someone else, and maybe you feel like they like dancing with that other person better. If your SO practices with someone else, try to understand that again, it's just dancing and just because you SO likes to dance with another partner doesn't mean they don't like dancing with you or don't want to be with you. I think that you may have a problem however if you don't like dancing together at all. Tango is about chemistry and if you don't have it on the dance floor, I can't imagine having it off.

Anyway, these are the common problems I've seen, I'm sure there are others. I think they can all be dealt with fairly easily if your relationship is strong and you are sensitive to how your significant other is feel.

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Dear Maleva,

I'd like to pick your brains about my options as a follower who's brand new to tango but very experienced at other forms of dance (swing, waltz, polka, contradance, ragtime one-step and blues, plus a background in ballet). I've just started taking group tango classes at another studio, and I'm frustrated by the learning curve.

My leaders in the beginner class are so new to dance-in-general that I feel like I'm spending my time & money (both precious to a starving actress!) being used as a teaching tool on their behalf. And while I'm a quick study at most dance forms, tango is a totally different animal, and it's hard to learn much opposite leaders who can't lead yet.

Would your "follower's bootcamp" class make sense for a beginner? Or are private lessons the way to go? Basically, I'm looking for any suggestions on how I can make the most of my instruction.
Thanks in advance for your input- it really means a lot!

Dear Reader,

It's hard on women in beginner classes for 2 reasons:

1- they progress faster than men because in a way they have less to think about than the men at first, especially if dancing in general is not new to them.

2 - many teachers concentrate on teaching step patterns rather than technique. steps are more for the guys, technique is for everyone. Make sure you are taking classes with a teachers that is giving things for the followers to work on as well as the leaders.

You will often get more out of private lessons than group classes because all the attention is focused on you and you get to dance with an expert. Of course, they are more expensive. Take one or two if you can afford to, and do research to find a teacher who's style you like and who has a good reputation for teaching.

Everything in my follower's technique class is for the women (obviously). We practice posture, walking backwards, ochos, specific steps from the woman's point of view and do a lot of embellishment drills to build foot and leg strength and speed. I give advice on general technique throughout the class as we do embellishments.

However, honestly I think one of the best things you can do as a follower to progress quickly is to throw yourself out there and go to the milongas as much as you can. Dancing with leaders who are better than you is a great way for you to learn the 'steps' and get comfortable doing them and comfortable in the embrace.

2 quick pieces of advice I can give you as a beginning follower are:

-make sure you stretch your free leg back straight when walking, so you dont bump knees with the leader, but keep your weight over your standing leg until the leader steps, so you don't break the connection

-really learn to wait for the leader on one leg, in balance, until he puts you into another step. Don't change weight or go anywhere without him. If you make a mistake an wind up on the wrong foot, let him fix it, don't try to catch up to where you were supposed to be.

Happy Dancing!