Ask Maleva: A Tango Advice Column

June 2004

Dear Maleva,
I have a simple question on tango etiquette.
I dance with a variety of women and I have noticed that some of the women like to either hum or talk while we are dancing. This puts a damper on my dancing and enjoyment while I am concentrating on the music and the surrounding traffic. What is the best way to make them stop? I don't want to be rude but at the same time, if this keeps up, I will not want to dance with them again. Other than those annoyances, I enjoy dancing with them.
I guess this question applies to other distracting behaviour or conditions such as excess perspiration, unpleasant odors, etc. Can you help?

Dear Reader,

I guess a simple question deserves a simple answer so I'll try to keep it short. If a woman does something that you find annoying either don't dance with her anymore - or if it's someone you are familiar with perhaps you could ask her to stop. But there really is no polite way to tell someone you don't like their singing. I am surprised the singing bugs you because many men I know say they like it when a woman sings or hums, and I personally like it when a man does so as well. (As long as its not off-key, or even worse - off beat! I could see how THAT would be very distracting.)

However, talking (aside from a word or comment once in a while) is a tango faux pas, whether it is a blow-by-blow reaction to the steps you are leading, or a running commentary on what is going on in the room around you, or a one-sided discussion on the particular orchestra that is playing, off-topic from tango altogether. Ladies - No Talking! I find there is a fairly easy way to deal with the talkers - don't answer back. If they don't get a verbal reaction then usually they will simmer down. If this doesn't work, perhaps you could suddenly lead a couple complicated steps to bring their concentration back to the dancing at hand. Most people would find it hard to speak in the middle of a dramatic volcada or fast colgada!

As for excess perspiration - absolutely nothing you can do about that. (Although I don't know many ladies who sweat as much as a man does.) Unpleasant odors - offer them gum? Dentyne just came out with a berry flavor they call 'Tango' - but then you may have to deal with her chewing and smacking in your ear...

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Dear Maleva,
I think I need your advice.I read your advice to Desperate Tanguera.
I am planning a trip to Buenos Aires later this year for the first time. I have heard from couple of women who have been there to watch out for smooth talking, smooth dancing, Argentine men at milongas because they are only after money and sex from unsuspecting American and European women. Are there really such men lurking in milongas? And if true, how can I avoid them?
Should I go with a tango group tour which is kind of expensive to avoid getting into a sorry situation? I don't want to become another Desperate Tanguera, at the same time, I don't want to lose my money or taken advantage of. I can follow so-so but nowhere near Argentine tangueras, I'm sure. Can you help?
Unsuspecting Susie

Dear Unsuspecting Susie,

It's funny but many of the recent questions people have sent to me concern men, women and tango - it seems that tango relationships are much more difficult than actually dancing!

As for your question, would you sleep with or give money to men you did not know well here in the US? If not, then don't do it in Argentina either. Don't let the rules that apply in 'real life' suddenly slip because you are in the seductive world of the milongas or in a romantic foreign city.

Yes, it is true that there are smooth talking (Argentine) men in tango who are just out for money and sex. But my dear, those men are lurking everywhere, not just in the milongas! Go out to a bar in any city, in any country and you will meet any number of men who will try to sweet-talk you into bed without any intention of calling you again in the morning. You must deal with the rogues that you meet in tango the same way you deal with the players in 'real life' . Don't take them seriously unless you are just out for a good time too. Accept their dances - and their free drinks ;) - and leave it at that. Argentine men don't have special powers that will make you loose all rational thought and take off your clothes just because they ask you to.

In the milongas of Buenos Aires, as well as the milongas in other parts of the world you need to use your common sense. If you decide to have 'coffee' with someone after just meeting him, and maybe having a few well-connected tangos, then that is your choice (there is absolutely nothing wrong with it). But just realize that it will not turn into something more than what it is - a one night stand.

Also, you will have the power to say yes or no to men with or without other members of a group tour around you. There are many reasons for choosing to go with a group tour to Buenos Aires, but I don't think that 'protection from the lurking men' needs to be one of them (although that would be interesting claim for the brochure!) . If anything, being part of a group tour may just make you stand out more as a tourist and as someone who might be easily-wooed. Being with other people is not necessarily going to protect you from the advances of strangers. I did not go to Buenos Aires with a group, but I did go with a boyfriend, and I was asked out for coffee none-the-less. But if a man makes an advance and you decline him politely, he's going to leave it at that. Heck, Argentine men won't even come over to a lady's table to ask for a dance for fear of their rejection becoming public! Turn them down nicely and they are not going to make a big deal of it.

And of course, most of the men in the milongas in Argentina are not going to make passes at you anyhow. I think most of them are there simply because they love to dance. Either way, if you are concerned, why don't you just make a promise to yourself that - no matter what - you will not to get together with any strange man beyond the friendly level while you are there? Unless of course, he's really cute....

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Hello Maleva,

I read your advice column with both chuckle and appreciation as you have certainly been immersed in the peculiar yet exhilarating culture of tango. Perhaps you can shed some light on my predicament. I have been dancing tango for close to two years. I still consider myself a "beginner" in the true tango sense. I have taken from so many different teachers with so many different styles that I have made a decision to stay with estilo milonguero which I love very much (Lo de Celia is a perfect example as you have aptly indicated in your advice. And of course, I have taken Susana Miller's classes with tremendous interest and respect. Also, Cacho Dante's class is very good).
Here is my problem: I would like to continue to learn the milonguero style in US, but almost all of the teachers, both local and Argentineans do not teach that style since it is not "sexy" or fun for most of the American tango students. On top of this problem is that most women prefer to do fancy boleos, back sacadas and ganchos instead of simple contra tiempo steps with rhythm and enjoyment. To most of these women, the connection with partner is secondary to showing off their steps.

So, I end up dancing very little or cheating by doing those "fancy steps" I have no true interest in.
Do you have any suggestions? I can't keep going to Buenos Aires to dance milonguero style. I would go broke in no time.

Thank you,
Milonguero in training.

Dear Milonguero in Training,

It's hard for everyone to find partners they like dancing with, no matter what style they are partial to. It's especially hard for people who like Milonguero style sometimes, as you said, because it's not as commonly taught. It has a reputation for being hard to teach to beginners and some teachers think Americans can't learn it, at least not right away, because Americans are afraid of close body contact. (Not true.)

People also categorize Milonguero style as 'inward' and only about feeling and other styles as 'outward' and more about looks. Women want to look pretty when they dance. They like boleos and ganchos because they are flashy and women associate looking pretty with being flashy. But ladies can look just as beautiful doing simple steps - it's all in the way they move. If a woman moves gracefully and beautifully and musically it doesn't matter what 'step' she is doing. AND there are tons of cute ways to embellish the smaller steps associated with Milonguero style and still look 'flashy' while keeping a strong connection with the leader.

Anyhow, I'm not sure where you live but most communities of a reasonable size have some good dancers and in my experience, most followers who are good will enjoy dancing with a leader who is also good, regardless of what style he dances. I myself would rather dance with a good nuevo-style leader than a bad milonguero-style leader. I find that it is usually the women (and men) who are newer to tango who are still impressed only with the showier steps.

There are different styles of tango, but in the end it really is all one dance and if you dance well it's going to be enjoyable to the other person. And in my opinion the key to doing it well, in any style, is having a good connection. So dance with the women of all styles and find the ones who know how to connect. If they like to do the flashy moves, you can still keep them happy. Who says you can't have drama AND rhythm? Milongueros do boleos too! You can do boleos, as well as deep thigh-thumping sacadas and ganchos, all in a close embrace and to contra tiempo rhythms. Another dramatic move that has been very fashionable lately, the volcada (where you lead the woman to 'fall' on you), is perfect for close embrace.

Of course, traveling to Buenos Aires is great for finding milongueras to dance with, but you should consider traveling within the US as well. Go to the festivals in Denver and Portland especially, and Washington DC too. You'll meet great dancers from all over the country. Many of the women who attend these events can dance any style and I'm sure you'll have great milonguero dances with them. Also travel to workshops. If no one in your city teaches what you want to learn, then find out when close embrace workshops are being held in your region. You mention Susan Miller and Cacho Dante, who are both great, and there are a number of American teachers who travel around the country who are also very good.

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Dear Maleva,
I'm desperate and unsure what to do! I am madly in love with an incredible dancer in our community, but all he ever wants to do with me is dance! I have tried dropping some hints about maybe giving me a call, but I have to say there isn't much conversation happening. I fear we may not have a lot in common, but I do want to explore it further, it could be the start of something beautiful. But I am very confused by the mixed signals, on the dance floor it's pure bliss and very much a mutual rush, and his hand lingers on my lower back after the last chords die away, and he is very attentive and everything, but then he walks me back to my place and after that it's like nothing ever happened. It's pure torture and it's interfering with my sleep, eating and concentration at work. Is this what tango dancers are like? Please advise me on what to do, other than quickly becoming such a great dancer that he can't think of anybody else, either. I'm not sure I could, he is a very accomplished tanguero. Help!
Desperate Tanguera

Dear Desperate Tanguera,

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you have fallen victim to a very, very common phenomenon in the dance world: the Beginner's Crush. That is - beginner/student (almost always female) gets overwhelming crush on teacher/skillful dancer (almost always male). This doesn't just happen in tango - it is pervasive in all the partner dances from mambo to waltz.

Why does this happen? Tango can be a very powerful experience, especially for women. A follower surrenders total control of her body to her leader. A masterful leader can make even a beginner do things she didn't know she was able to and make her feel like a goddess. A good dancer's confidence and sureness is extremely appealing to women. The professional dancers can also make the beginners feel like part of the 'in' crowd in the social hierarchy of the milonga scene.

Susana Miller once said in a workshop that the woman cares only for the Dancer not the man, and the man cares only for the Woman not the dancer. It doesn't matter to the woman if the guy is a jerk or if even he's good looking, all she cares about is how he can make her feel when dancing. The man doesn't care about how the woman dances, only that she is beautiful.

I think it's nice that your tanguero-in-illusionary-shining-armor knows enough to leave it on the dance floor where it belongs. Many, many tango teachers and experienced dancers take advantage of female students. And really, who can blame them for falling for these wide-eyed and worshipping ladies. What guy wouldn't love it if a beginning girl looked at him with big eyes and said "Am I doing it right??" (batting eyelashes...)

The Beginner's Crush is no secret in the dance world and I even remember seeing a segment on 60 minutes or some other such news program a few years ago about how dance studios encourage the male teachers to flirt with the female students because they know it will keep them coming back for classes.

So you are certainly not alone in your feelings. I, myself, fell under the spell of a better dancer during my early days - MORE than once - and most of my friends did too. I can't say that the phenomenon is all bad -- it certainly provides incentive for love-struck ladies to try and get better faster. They want to be able to dance well with their crush like you said, and perhaps they even fantasize about becoming their crush's partner and performing with him.

On the other side, I think it is pretty rare for a beginner male student to get this type of crush on a better female dancer. Men are intimidated by the experienced female dancers and when they do dance together usually the tanguera is only able to make the poor guy feel more inept and clumsy, not good about himself.

I don't mean to devalue your feeling for this guy; it's not that they're not very real, but my bet is they won't last long-term. As you become a more experienced dancer, your crush will fade. You'll dance with lots of great dancers and feel magic in their embrace and that is something to be cherished. But the longer you tango, the more you learn to separate heart from body and realize that what you feel is not love of the man but love of the dancer, and you will be able to leave it at that. Ask yourself this about your crush: Would I still like him if he were a lousy dancer? Hmmm, maybe not.

There must be equality for a relationship to truly work and the teacher/student or advanced dancer/beginner relationships, while very common, almost always end in heartbreak. So, should you look for love in the milongas? - Hell yes! But look for love that is born out of a connection off the dance floor, that you feel because of who the man is, not just how he makes you feel when leading you through steps.