Dear Maleva,
I have been leading for about 9 months and know my place. I don't bother the better dancers (well, not since getting spanked for it three or four times) and I try to ask people I know are about my level. One of them pointed out to me that most the leaders on our level cut the woman's step too short (like in the forward boleo) and generally try to hurry them along. A few of my leader friends at my level say that when they feel compelled to move onto the next step because the people they are leading seem to expect it.

It seems to me that this is a vicious cycle that feeds on itself. At the intermediate level the followers expect bad leads and (the good ones at least) give their partners the truncated rapid moves they think they are asking for--and the leaders oblige them thinking that this is how it is done since the better women dancers will not put up with being cut-off mid move. This all seems to occur at the muscle-memory level since just about everyone has been told by countless teachers to slow down--but when you hit the floor many Tango's sound faster than they are and leaders are more worried about collisions at my level than anything else.

This is because the NYC tango crowd is about the least friendly group of conceited people I have ever met (hey, don't get me wrong, I want to join this elite club). If you bump into somebody, or hold up the floor you get all kinds of dirty looks etc.etc. If you don't give a very good lead you get dropped after one dance if not before, and if you could see the over the shoulder roll-your-eyes looks I have seen you would become a salsa dancer before facing another milonga. In the more advanced dancers' concern to achieve the ultimate tango experience they are losing a great many talented people who would double the size of the Tango Scene here (more venues, more partners, more floor space would result).

One of my dance partners can hardly wait until she is a Tango Diva so she can start dishing out the pain, roll her eyes, mumble something in a foreign language and then dump a few guys after one dance. Some of the men are practicing their bump-glare too--just waiting for that self-righteous moment of road-rage on the dance floor. There is a viciousness here that is reproducing itself as the trained dancers come up to speed and want to get even on the next generation in training.
I guess I should just stay in the practicas, but I have tango fever (most of us who are going to be good one day have it) and there comes a point where you have to jump into the deep end of the pool.

So should I do which of the following:

A) Go take salsa lessons, they are much more friendly.

B) Stay in dance school and dance with second-rate dancers and reinforce my bad habits for another year?

C) Spend a fortune in private lessons (I know the answer to this one or course, but I am going to do that anyway). Learning to dance well with your teacher doesn't teach me much about getting around the dance floor no mater how many chairs she sticks in my way and it doesn't teach me how to lead a second rate dancer to be a better dancer.

D) Go out anyway, bump a few people, get spanked for asking the wrong women to dance and grow a thicker skin. One day it will be payback time and I vent my pent up frustrations on the first guy who bumps me, and I even get to dump some poor woman after one dance with a pasty-faced "thankyou" and a roll of my eyes.
E) Go to san-francesco or toranto where I seem to have better luck with a more civil group of dancers.

Let me know your advice.


Dear Reader,

I agree, it does suck to feel like you are not able to ask better dancers to dance with you. When I was starting there were plenty of people whom I was dying to dance with, but never asked me. But to me that was part of the fun and the challenge. If it were easy to get good dancers to take you for a spin then there would be no satisfaction when they finally do dance with you. It's like a rite of passage in a way. The tango scene is elitist and can be intimidating, but that is what made me try harder. Who wants to be part of a club that is easy to get into?

I've been out dancing in the 'On 2' salsa scene of New York, and I don't find salsa dancers any nicer or more welcoming to newcomers than tango dancers - in fact they may be even worse! There's a dancer named Steve Wasserman who writes really funny salsa articles in the UK and he calls the elite dancers the 'salsa mafia'. Here is an excerpt from his article "How do I join ... the Salsa Mafia?":

"Like all other matters in Salsa Land, getting close to the Mafia, perhaps slowly becoming one of the hallowed inner-circle is a long, arduous, and spiritually taxing journey that may take years, if not a lifetime to accomplish....At the end of the day, this question of elitism, which we accuse the Mafia of inhabiting and spreading, is really just a role we non-Mafia mortals create for them. There is something in us that wants to worship the finest and at the same time distance ourselves from it, the insurmountable peak we want to climb, but are never sure we will reach."

Click here for full article

Everybody gets dissed as they move up through the ranks, no matter what they dance, or where they live. AND, no matter how advanced you become, there will always be someone better (or even not better) who is ready to try and crush you. But have the confidence to think to yourself 'their loss' when you get rejected, move on, and dance with someone else. The Tango-L discussion group recently had a thread on being turned down for dances and someone shared this advice from their teacher: "First, you have to learn how to lose graciously. Then, you have to learn how to win graciously." Just because someone snubs you, does not mean you should try to get better just to snub them in return. Good to keep in mind, eh?

You are right, those who truly love tango will become great at it (it does take time). However those who merely are looking to be good so they can feel better than their partners or the people dancing around them, will never truly be good dancers. The good dancers take care of their partners and look out for the other couples on the floor, instead of competing or looking for opportunities to put others down.

You are also right that floor-craft is important, and the only way to get good at it is to practice dancing in crowded milongas. Everyone bumps once in a while, but make sure you keep to the edges and do only the steps that you have complete control over.

Ok, as for the vicious cycle of women expecting bad leads, and men hurrying the woman because that is what is expected: Never, ever give a bad lead if you are able to give a good one, no matter what your partner expects. Often the women have been 'brutalized' by bad leads - don't brutalize her further! If you , for example, turn your chest away from her to get her to step through in a forward ocho, and she stands there waiting for you to shove her through with your right arm, don't do it! If she doesn't step then forget it - turn her back the other way and do something else. Break the cycle of abuse!

So, my answer to your question is 'D' - go out and dance anyway and let the satisfaction of becoming a good dancer be revenge enough on the people who dump you after one dance or shoot you dirty looks now. Give the women you dance with now the best lead you are able; this way your are helping them progress as well.