Dear M,

I am a tanguera who loves the close embrace. I also have no problem with letting myself go in a man's arm during a dance. Thus far, I have found that most men have been respectful of that and that only a few might insinuate things after the dance. But I have had two occassions, one very early on in my tango experience, and one most recently, in which the men attempted to kiss me full on during the dance. Needless to say, I wasn't very happy about it and my first reaction was to slap the men. I didn't. I love the dance too much to have any situation ruin my experience. Anyway, my question to you is, how do I go about making my intentions clear? That the outpouring of emotion and passion i have in a dance is strictly for the love of the dance and not for the dancer. Do you think it would be appropriate to just say something along those lines before I begin dancing with someone? Your advice would be much appreciated :)
Thanks,
L

Dear L,

Ew, how awful! Well, I don't think it would be appropriate or even necessary to mention that you don't want any 'extra attention' before you begin dancing because in most cases the 'tango relationship' starts off with rules and parameters. One of the wonderful things about the tango experience is that one can feel 'open' during the dance to experience many feelings without crossing boundaries. There is nothing wrong with flirting or trying to hook up with a woman at a milonga, but it should happen off the floor, out to public view, and with the woman's consent. Taking the embrace is not the same as giving consent to romantic intentions. I think you will find most of the good dancers are there just to dance and will demonstrate any romantic feelings through their dance in a respectful way.

Unfortunately, as in the case of the incidents you described, people can sometimes get swept away by these feelings and there will always be those few men who will try to take advantage of you during the dance, whether you 'let go' or not. Some guys think that just because you let them take you in your arms that you want something more, regardless of the signals you are sending him. Personally, I think you should have slapped these guys when they tried to smooch you, or at least pushed them away and said something to put them in their place. At least, I hope you made it very clear that what they did was totally inappropriate, and I hope that you haven't danced with them since. I know you don't want to the reputation of being a b*tch, but you don't want to be known as easy either. In tango, sometimes it's better to be the b*tch. Don't be afraid to be strong about it; if you come off as strong there is less a chance of guys thinking they can take advantage in the future.

[To be fair, my friend who is a guy, wants to say: "May I ask, do you do anything a little 'out of the ordinary' to demonstrate your passion for the dance? Moaning, perhaps? (Some women do this!) Caressing the man's neck? Or even the dreaded um, 'flip up'? Sometimes the woman has to restrain herself too!"]

* * *

After posting this answer, I was inundated with e-mails asking 'What is the Dreaded Flip-Up?!?'. Well, for the answer, I'll defer again to my male friend who says:

'The flip-up started appearing on the scene in the last couple of years as more tango dancers started dancing close-embrace. Unfortunately, many tangueras new to close-embrace did not realize how much twisting (torsion) is involved in the dance and did not adjust their technique. As a result, when it came for them to lift their left leg to step over the gentleman's right foot after a parada, they would not properly twist their hips in the direction that they were going and would, in effect, 'flip up' his 'bits & pieces'. I can assure you that its quite startling when the guy feels his manhood go airborne.'

Um, right then - you had to ask! (Most of the time this is accidental, sometimes though ladies who are 'on the prowl' will do it slowly and intentionally...) Ladies, to avoid being an unwitting 'flipper':

When the man leads you to pivot forwards and step across in front of him (forward ocho, parada, whatever) disassociate in your center, pivot your right foot and let your hips turn as much as possible so when you step across your hips and legs will be facing across your partner, not into him, and your leg will have clearance.

Also, when you lift your left leg a little higher as an embellishment as you step, be aware of how close it is to him, and always keep your knee pointing closed i.e. across yourself, not open i.e. towards him. Not only does this help prevent the 'dreaded flip-up', it also helps you look more lady-like, especially if you are prone to wearing skirts. And if you go further with the embellishment and you run your foot up his leg or your own before stepping across, your foot/shin can touch him but make sure to keep your knee and thigh to yourself!

-Maleva